i don't feel it till it hurts sometimes
by MoLea
Summary: He's not jealous. He's not. The waves of anxiety and churning in his gut have nothing to do with her. He's stressed because of work. That's all this is. He's never been very good at deceiving himself.


He's not jealous. He's not. The waves of anxiety and churning in his gut have nothing to do with her. He's stressed because of work. That's all this is.

He's never been very good at deceiving himself. But oh how he tries.

The burning he feels is simply a case of indigestion. After all, he had been eating breakfast when Mr. Millionaire suddenly appeared at his door. If the burning intensifies after seeing this guy kiss Jeannie's hand, well it just means he has to take some antacids. She says she thinks she's in love and the burning has consumed his entire chest and he's suddenly so enraged he can't think straight, can't be around her. He angrily grabs his hat and slams the door behind him. Her nonsense has almost made him late for work. That's why he's so worked up. Nothing else. He takes a deep breath to calm himself but the burning doesn't fade.

The indigestion (he refuses to accept that it's anything else) hasn't faded no matter how many TUMS he chews. He's supposed to be working but he calls Roger instead. If he can get Jeannie's birthday, he can use it to pull her back to him. Perhaps he should be ashamed of that but he tells himself that he had always intended to tell her anyway so he brushes the thought aside. But Roger can't come to the point and when General Peterson hangs up the phone, his visions of candlelight and holding Jeannie close disappear like smoke.

He calls for her when he gets home and when he sees her in that green dress the burning in his chest returns (obviously he just needs more TUMS). He tries to get her to go out with him instead but she brushes him off with mentions of her date. He watches her put on her lipstick and he can feel words he knows he shouldn't say bubble up in his throat. He can't stop himself from asking her if she likes him better than Mr. Millionaire but instead of answering she throws his own words back at him. An ache joins the burning in his chest but he's sure is just another symptom of indigestion. He wrings his hands to prevent himself from rubbing his chest.

She's asking him if she looks alright and then the next minute she's running her hand down his cheek and waving her perfume at him. The burning is an inferno now and instead of being confined to his chest, it's spread throughout his entire body. The ache has moved decidedly south and he knows he can't pass this off as anything other then what it is. He leans in to kiss her but the door is in his face instead and he can't do anything but helplessly watch her leave on Mr. Millionaire's arm. The burning and the ache are joined by a churning in his stomach and he thinks maybe he might by dying.

It's 3:15 in the morning and she's not home and the only emotion he feels now is a boiling rage. He tells himself it's because she knows nothing about men, nothing about the world she now finds herself living in and that he's worried. There's nothing wrong with being worried about a friend. He feels a slight twinge when he labels her a friend but he pretends he doesn't notice.

He feigns sleep when she finally waltzes in two minutes later asking him if he is indeed asleep. He fakes a yawn and asks what time it is surprising neither of them when he jumps out of bed and yells at her the correct time. He knows he's rambling slightly as he tells Jeannie what Mr. Millionaire is probably up to but he has to say something, anything to get her to stop seeing him. He's fiddling with his bathrobe because he doesn't know what to do with his hands (that's not entirely true, he's torn between shaking her or pulling her to him and kissing this guy out of her head but he forcibly shoves those thoughts away). His hands end up behind his back until Jeannie is shoving an enormous diamond ring in his face and telling him that it's an engagement ring. She leaves before he can say anything else and he spends the rest of the night lying awake staring at the ceiling. It's 3:53 before he realizes that the burning is finally gone only to be replaced by an aching emptiness he can feel in his stomach. He half-heartedly writes it off as hunger.

He eats a large breakfast to prove to himself that's all he was feeling but isn't surprised when the ache doesn't go away. He attempts to get Jeannie's birthday from Roger again, telling him that she's engaged. His whole body rejects the idea of letting her go when Roger suggests it but he knows Dr. Bellows is watching so he keeps as much control over his reaction as he can. He's trying to get Roger to stop talking about anything other than Jeannie's birthdate but he won't and the call drops, once again leaving Tony without the information he desperately wants. He hangs up the phone, eyes closed and pinching the bridge of his nose. He doesn't even care if Dr. Bellows is watching.

The rest of the day goes by agonizingly slowly and by the end of it he's exhausted. When he walks through the front door and hears Jeannie on the phone calling that guy darling, he can't bring himself to feel anything other than resignation. Still, he asks her out for dinner, dancing, and a drive on the beach. An invitation that she promptly turns down in favor of seeing her _fiancé_. This time he feels that ache in his gut increase as he asks her if she is in love and she responds in the affirmative. He doesn't want to hear any more about it but he can't seem to stop her from talking. He thinks he might be sick all over the carpet when she asks him to give her away. He's so focused on keeping the nausea at bay that he doesn't notice when he almost slips and reveals himself. He comes back to himself and pretends it was nothing and she walks away. Later that night, as he tries to fall asleep, it's all he can think about.

When he finally admits to himself the feelings he's been denying, it's staggeringly overwhelming and at the same time a relief. The burning and aching emptiness are gone now that they have been properly identified but he's distracted anyway. He's pacing in his office when General Peterson comes in and it's only when the General reads his unconscious declaration of love on a work memo that he realizes how this is affecting his daily life. He's embarrassed at the start, it is his superior that's advising him after all, but he quickly overcomes it when he realizes that General Peterson is actually making sense. He's always known that he cared for Jeannie, he's never denied that, but he's never acknowledged the depth of his feelings for her and he's certainly never told her. When General Peterson leaves, Tony quickly follows suit, crumpling the memo in determination.

He picks up flowers on his way home. He doesn't know what he's going to say exactly but he knows Jeannie loves when he brings her flowers and that can only help him. He's nervous and the nausea is back and he's not ready to say he loves her even if it is the truth but there's no other way to keep her and he knows it.

When he sees them through the window and realizes that Mr. Millionaire is all Jeannie's creation, he can't quite bring himself to feel ashamed at how relieved he feels. He's almost giddy with it. He knows he can't deny what he feels for her especially now that it's been admitted out loud to another person, but he doesn't have to tell her yet. Maybe it's cowardly and unfair but she tricked him so he lets himself feel like his decision is justified. He puts the flowers down, grabs the newspaper and opens the door.


End file.
